Men Really ARE Stupid!
I try to be as open-minded as possible and fight all the stereotypes that arise in our culture, but there is one stereotype that I can’t seem to shake: Women may have been right about us all along—men REALLY ARE stupid.
A fellow writer mentioned once that he hates going shopping with his girlfriend and it sparked some conversation that I feel warranted addressing in written format. I don’t understand for the life of me why a typical straight guy WOULDN’T want to go shopping with his “girlfriend,” or even with his platonic friends that are women. In fact, it has escaped the attention of the general stereotypical misogynistic male population just how many of these “unmanly” things are actually goldmines of opportunity to get extremely intimate with a woman. For the record, I am straight, however, I enjoy hanging out with females FAR more than males, and that is why 99% of my closest friends are women and hopefully that statistic will never change (especially after this piece).
I will now provide you with a few little insights from the mind of a sexually secure, enlightened male who actually prefers hanging out with women.
I fail to see the problem here, guys. You go to a clothing store with women, help them pick out sexy little outfits to try on for you, and then you get to give your input on EXACTLY what you think looks hot on them and what doesn’t. They model it for you in the store, ask you to look their body up and down in great detail for critique, and then exclaim while giving you all kinds of hugs and affection what a “great guy” you are.
Whether this is your actual intimate partner or just a platonic friend, I really don’t see why this is an unpleasant time, ESPECIALLY for the typical guy who’s favorite pastime seems to be the objectification of women. Correct me if I am wrong, but isn’t this an open invitation for you guys to objectify them, stare at them, critique how they look, and in the end they thank you profusely?
If it is your actual girlfriend that you are going shopping with, then you get the added bonus of taking them home afterward and tearing those clothes off like you’re unwrapping a present on Christmas and you got EXACTLY what you wanted…because you helped pick it out. If it’s just a platonic friend, well then I would argue that not only did you get way more intimate with her in those shopping moments then you ever would have otherwise, but invariably she will go tell all her other friends about it, which throws you in the path of more women who want to do the same with you.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not condoning being all sleazy and gross and going shopping with women to ogle them or creep out all your friends, but face it men, we aren’t talking about an unpleasant experience here if you give it a moment of abstract thought. I think a lot of homophobic men think that it is “gay” to sit there and give an opinion on a plunging neck line, the height of a skirt, or whether the color of a boot should be black or brown. However, re-read that last sentence again while thinking about cleavage, short skirts, and black boots and tell me that the visual in your mind is “gay.” If it’s still an unappealing image then I would say you have already solved any homophobic fear issues you might have had quite some time ago.
As an avid movie lover I admit that I enjoy ALL types of movies. For instance the other night I watched, He’s Just Not That Into You and thought it was hilarious and well done. What I don’t understand is why so many guys are against the stereotypical “chick flick” as a cinematic viewing possibility.
First of all, I would argue that it provides a convenient window into the mind of women, since the target audience of the picture is indeed women. How many times have men complained that they have no idea what women want to make them happy? Well, watch a chick flick and you pretty much have a blueprint for what touches them deeply and gets them in the mood. In addition, if you are so trite as to choose dinner and a movie as an evening out, then watching a chick flick with a woman is like foreplay (we’ll get to that later though). I mean think about it for a second, what types of things do women generally need to get them in the mood to even consider getting intimate with you, let alone having sex with you? Romance, connection, communication, relationships, caring, emotional release…. So why would you take them to a slasher film rather then a movie about all of those things?
I’m not saying that women can’t watch a good non-chick flick and still enjoy it, quite the contrary actually, I’m just saying that if you’re looking to understand women better, then us guys should use chick flicks as CliffsNotes. If a movie was titled, “How to Get Laid Faster” there would be a line of ridiculous men around the block waiting to screen it immediately. So before you turn your nose up and proclaim that you aren’t going to pay to see that “relationship crap,” consider the fact that you are significantly increasing your chances of having sex sooner than you would have, and they might start appealing to you as viewing choices.
In addition, there are certain expectations that dating is supposed to be all spontaneous and effortless, yet meet certain requirements. However, the amount of energy and thought that goes into an evening out in order for it to be considered a “good time” is phenomenal. From the moment two people decide to hang out there is a barrage of details to work out. What to do, where to go, what to wear, how to act, what to order, how to get there. You have to maintain the air of being spontaneous and easygoing, all the while staying a few steps ahead so things don’t fall flat and you end up with nothing to do or say. A good chick flick does a lot of the work for you in that it trips all the mental and emotional triggers in a woman needed to bring about a heightened sense of enjoyment and pleasure that is now, in her mind, associated with hanging out with you.
As an added benefit, women love to cuddle while watching these movies and whether it’s your girlfriend or your platonic friend, there is nothing “gay” about having a woman wrapped around you, regardless of what you’re watching. Besides, most of these movies are actually pretty damn good if you open your mind a bit and give them a chance. You might just find yourself laughing and enjoying yourself, since most of them are romantic comedies, and we all know you like to laugh, otherwise what are you doing reading a humor columnists tumblr page?
Most guys actually own a small set of inexpensive free weights that they can use to do any weightlifting needed to stay in shape. The reason so many of you guys pay for crazy expensive gym memberships is because the gym is like a meat market of hot bodies to check out. Especially since a lot of the equipment women like to use to stay in shape is actually really expensive and too big to own, so it’s all at the gym. So why a straight guy would want to hang out in the free weights section of the gym with all the other sweaty guys is beyond me, yet that seems to be where they all congregate.
Have any of you guys that are SO concerned with toning your muscles and being “cut” or “ripped” actually checked out the yoga or Pilates classes? First of all, the female to male ratio is like 10:1 in those classes and virtually every woman in there has an amazing body, not to mention a heightened state of mind. Take a close look at all the women after they leave a yoga class; you can almost see the sexual energy flowing out of them and you would be right there experiencing it with them instead of grunting with other men in the weight room
Second of all, those classes will KICK YOUR ASS into shape faster than the weight room ever will, which is why those women all HAVE those amazing bodies. In my entire life, I have never been more sore after a workout as I was after doing Pilates for about half an hour. Plus, if you go to a class that really focuses on the correct form and posture then there is always the assisting part of the class. This is where the hot instructor, or the woman you went with, basically lays her hands or sometimes her entire body on yours to ensure you have the correct position. Perhaps you have never heard of the position “Downward Facing Dog” but for the not so enlightened, typical guy in an assisted class, it really should be called “Holy Shit, Pitching Tent!” If you still think yoga or Pilates is “gay” after that, then perhaps you really do belong in the weight room bench pressing, while being spotted by Bubba with his crotch in your face yelling, “PUSH, PUSH, COME ON, PUSH!!!”
I admit, this one takes a mental leap of faith for the average male, but hear me out gentlemen before you start screaming your homophobic, bigoted slurs at me. Many women associate how well a man can move on the dance floor with how well they will perform in bed. I know that everyone is supposed to be born with natural rhythm and the ability to dance like a Latin lover but that simply isn’t the case. Do you know where all those guys that dance with those sexy girls at the club learn to do all that shit? That’s right, dance class.
If you think the female to male ratio is high at a yoga or Pilates class, well imagine a dance class where it’s 20:1. I’m not suggesting you go and take ballet or something, but how about a salsa, hip-hop, swing, or Argentine tango class where the sexual energy of the dance is simply undeniable? Plus, here is a little secret guys, women love to spin, twirl, or be led in a dance almost as much as they love dark chocolate and sex. There is something that happens to a woman’s face when you twirl her around that is akin to the grin on her face after an orgasm. I’m not sure what it is, because I have spun around and it just makes me want to grab the nearest stationary object and hurl. Grab a woman by the hand though, and give her a little twirl and you get a perma-grin within a second. Put your homophobic fears aside and go sign up for a dance class and I guarantee you, not only will you have the ladies in the class lining up to pass you their phone numbers, but you will not look like such a dork in the club standing against the wall like a creeper, while nursing your beer.
Oh, one more thing, keep in mind that in a dance class they are teaching the women to “follow” and the men to “lead” so guess who gets passed around to every single woman in the class like the last fertile male after a holocaust? That’s right, the one guy. If you still think it’s unappealing to enroll in a dance class after having intimate physical contact with twenty different women in less than an hour, well then I would argue that there is actually a closet door that needs opening in your near future.
Yes I know, “guys hate to talk about stuff,” but I’m here to tell you that this line you keep spouting is a bunch of horse shit! Especially since women also complain that you don’t listen enough which must mean you are flapping your gums about something. Come “Black Monday” (the day after the Super Bowl) every testosterone dripping tool seems to think they’re my best friend. They want to talk about the plays, the score, halftime, the freakin commercials, the blah blah blah… just shut the hell up!
You know what women like to talk about? SEX! That’s right guys, just about EVERY close platonic woman friend I have (and I have a lot) invariably steers the conversation towards sex in some fashion or another, whether it is the abstract idea of it in a flirty way or all-out raunchy conversations about all the stuff YOU ALL are not doing to/for them in order to get them off. The number one thing that women want to talk about with open-minded male friends is how they aren’t getting enough sex, how dissatisfied their man makes them, and how they wish you would just talk about it with them.
Am I missing something here, guys, because the last time I checked, we all want to be having sex, right? I mean other then having sex with women, I think our next favorite thing is talking about sex with them. Did you know they are just DYING to tell you all the details of their wildest fantasies? They want to tell you what to do to them to make their eyes roll back into their heads and scream like a fucking banshee. Some of them want you to tie them up, some of them want to be spanked, and some of them want to dress up in little outfits and act out their fantasies. Yes, some of them want a nice romantic evening out ending in multiple orgasms. But MOST of them just want you to turn off the goddamn “game” and fuck their brains out!
Imagine, you’re sitting there watching four freakin hours of men running around a field chasing a chew toy and women are off talking to me about how you could be screwing their brains out right now instead. Now tell me communicating with women is “gay!” Oh and one more thing you asshats, why aren’t you watching women’s sports? I mean, for the closed-minded sexist, isn’t it more appealing to watch women running around chasing a ball? Don’t give me that “men play the game better” crap either, because if I was a typical guy and watched sports, instead of talking about sex with all your girlfriends/wives, I would much rather be watching women fumbling around trying to get a ball then a bunch of sweaty giant men handling their balls perfectly.
Seriously? Are you fucking kidding me? Can somebody tell me why all your girlfriends/wives are constantly telling me that they wish there was more foreplay involved in sex? You guys DO know what foreplay is right? Here, let’s look it up together: "Sexual activity including caressing, touching, stroking, kissing, massaging, and other types of bodily contact that promotes sexual excitement (erection or vaginal lubrication). This type of sexual activity may or may not lead to orgasm."
So basically what we’re talking about here is all the stuff besides actual penetration, yet for some reason this is unappealing to you because you want to get it over with faster? Come on guys, these are the things we want to do to women all the time. Yet for some reason, when given the opportunity to do them for hours on end, it gets highly abridged or left out all together?
Listen up men, because I am about to drop some serious knowledge on you. Women love sex as much as men do, if not more, based on how much they talk about it. They love being touched, they want to be touched MORE by you, they want the touching to LAST LONGER, and they want you to spend MORE TIME touching them ALL OVER, before even having intercourse with them. Guess what though, the more foreplay you do, the more likely they are to orgasm from it and the easier it is for them to reach orgasm during intercourse.
When women say they wish sex could last longer, they don’t just mean they want intercourse to go on forever, they want the WHOLE thing to last longer and foreplay is the key to that. You can EASILY get a woman off by touching her body without ever even going inside her, and guess what, that only makes her want you inside her more. I would argue that if the woman you are with doesn’t orgasm at least twice before you consider moving on to penetration, then you are doing something seriously wrong and THAT is why you aren’t getting laid as much as you want to. A woman’s libido is a serious positive feedback loop, the more they orgasm, the more they want to again later, and the more they orgasm later, the more they want to again later and so forth and so on. Think of foreplay exactly the same as investing money in a bank CD, the more you put into it in the beginning the more you will get out in higher returns later.
Now get off the damn internet, shut off the sporting event, put down your video game, and go find your girlfriend/wife. Your new hobby is making her eyes roll into the back of her head multiple times a day because god knows she needs it or she wouldn’t be telling all her friends how much you suck in the sack. Remember, when it comes to sex, chivalry isn’t dead because women should always cum first.
So let’s review what we learned here today. Basically, women have been right all along and men REALLY ARE stupid, because we don’t think for a second about all the amazing opportunities women provide for us to get closer and more intimate with them in EVERY way. Whether it’s shopping, chick flicks, yoga/Pilates, dancing, communicating or foreplay, if you aren’t doing it, then you, my friend, are significantly missing out on some amazing opportunities. Wait, nevermind, I mean who would want to do all that “gay stuff” with their girlfriends anyway, right? You probably would much rather be hanging out with a bunch of sweaty guys burping and farting while watching other sweaty guys on TV chase a ball around.
Do I want to join you guys?
Um…. no thank you, I’m going out with the girls instead!
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