Things I’m Looking Forward to in 2012
New Year’s has come and gone and by now you’re not only sober enough to read again, but you’re probably itching for something to do while you procrastinate. So I thought I would share with you some of the things I’m looking forward to in 2012 for your procrastination pleasure…or whatever other way you pleasure yourself. Seriously though, you should really stop thinking about me while you pleasure yourself, it’s getting kind of awkward…and please, get that itch checked out.
The Fall of North Korea
(The North Korean famine coincides with Kim Jong-un becoming a teenager. Coincidence?)
This has been a long time coming, and since Kim Jong-il died all I’ve been thinking about is how badly his doughboy son, Kim Jong-un, is going to fuck things up…or make things better, depending how you look at it. First of all, it is a well-known fact that his father was a huge film nut and owned 20,000 video tapes and DVDs. It is also a well-known fact that his father was a huge dick, and I doubt he let anyone touch his stash of movies.
Therefore, you have to assume Kim Jong-un has been eyeing that collection for 28 years! If you assume the average movie is AT LEAST an hour and a half long, then that is: 20,000 films x 1.5 hours = 30,000 hours / 24 hours in a day = 1250 days / 365 days in a year = 3.4 years worth of film to watch (and that’s without breaks). Not to mention all the stuff his dad likely acquired since Blu-ray hit the market. So yeah, I don’t see that tubby bitch getting much of anything done for quite a while, thus leading to the complete and total collapse of North Korea (finally).
A Presidential Election
(From all the free food I got for wearing my sticker.)
Everyone looks forward to a presidential election year as a time of candidate renewal or the reaffirmation of continued candidate support, depending on who you vote for. The most difficult part of the election year usually is trying to figure out exactly who you should vote for.
Fortunately, this year the Republicans have taken all the guesswork out of the decision-making process by lining up a bunch of retarded monkeys to choose from. Eventually they’ll narrow it down to just one retarded monkey, hopefully one who hasn’t molested scores of women and can remember what he’s saying by the time he gets to the end of a sentence. President Obama will then spend the remaining time dodging whatever poo that monkey will throw at him and we’ll all end up voting for Obama anyway for his amazing ability to actually speak without drooling.
Who are we kidding though, most of us only vote for the “I Voted” sticker so we can get free food at various restaurants.
Anonymous and Their Antics
2011 was a banner year for protests. There was Tunisia, Egypt, Libya, Bahrain, Syria, Yemen, Greece, Italy, Spain, Chile, Israel, and the “Occupy This That and the Other Thing” protests which occurred all over the world. However, what I am really interested in is the massive gauntlet that Anonymous threw down at the end of last year. Look, I’m not saying I support terrorism, hacktivism, or extreme activism (the closest I get to activism is playing a game by Activision), but if November 5th, 2012 passes and all I see is an increase in internet memes and a few Guy Fawkes jokes about forgetting something, I’m going to be rather disappointed in Anonymous as a collective.
You have to admit, there’s a certain ingenious nature and slightly romantic idea behind the idea of Anonymous. Except when they’re writing shitty comments on PIC articles, then they can just fucking suck it.
(Technically didn’t the Mayan extinction event already happen?)
As you know all too well, I love a good apocalypse, and last year’s highly publicized Harold Camping double failure apocalypse is going to be a hard one to beat.
However, if there is ONE apocalypse that can OUT-FAIL last year’s, it is the even MORE publicized 2012 Mayan long count calendar expiration apocalypse that happens on December 21st, 2012. Oh man, we’ve been waiting for this one since…well I guess somewhere between 250-900 A.D., depending on when they actually made that calendar. We’re talking about well over a millennium of fear here, culminating in absolutely nothing out of the ordinary when the calendar ends…per usual with all apocalyptic predictions.
I can’t wait! Nothing makes you feel more alive than waking up the day after an apocalyptic prediction, knowing that you aren’t fucking insane like all the poor bastards who believe in this complete horseshit.
Amy Chua Turning 50
(I’d certainly let this Tiger Mom Chua on me.)
I really don’t have much to say about this woman’s extreme parenting style, because in all fairness I have not read her book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother (see also the WSJ article “Why Chinese Mothers are Superior”). I also haven’t met her two daughters, although if Sophia Chua-Rubenfeld’s written defense of her mother’s parenting style in the New York Post shows anything, it’s that they certainly “seem” to be fairly well-adjusted kids who come from a close and loving family.
Here’s the thing I WILL SAY about Amy Chua though: she has an absolutely fucking smokin’ hot body and the fact that she turns 50 this year blows my mind. Turning 50 years old and still looking as fine as she does proves something that I’ve known for a long time, regardless of The Wall Street Journal spotlighting it: Chinese mothers really ARE superior…as far as MILFs go.
So there you have it, some of the things that I’m looking forward to in 2012. Happy New Year everyone! What are some of the things you are looking forward to this year?