Five Things I’m Looking Forward to in 2014
Don’t count your eggs before they hatch, or you’ll end up having extra Vaseline in the winter.
I thought I’d delay this year’s New Year article so as to allow all that “New Year, New Me” horseshit to wear off. By now, hopefully, you’re back to doing things like reading Points in Case instead of studying or working, and feeling like your old self again. Besides, let’s face it, no one wants a new you anyway—the people who genuinely like you already liked the old you, and the people who hated the old you just want you to genuinely fuck off… not come back all reinvented and even more annoying.
So with that, since I’ve done these in the past, here are some of the things I’m looking forward to in 2014, otherwise known as “The International Year of Family Farming, Crystallography and Small Island Developing States.” Not for nothing, but I’m guessing that the person who names the years probably lives in Washington or Colorado state, near one of the new dispensaries. Just sayin’.
1. Mocking Sports
The thing I’m looking forward to most about The Walking Dead is Carl getting a bullet in the face… eaten by zombies… anything!2014 is supposed to be a big year in the world of “let’s pay people obscene and insulting amounts of money to do stupid shit, while others are starving and homeless,” otherwise known as, “sports.” There’s the Super Bowl, in the beginning of February, and this year the Seahawks are playing, which means that apparently I’m supposed to give a shit, because I’m from Washington…and yet, I still don’t give a shit. I will, however, have great fun mocking all the tools who actually do give a shit and, more specifically, try to force me to talk about it regardless of my obvious “fuck off, I don’t give a rat’s ass” response to their repeated attempts. As a comedian though, I will admit to being initially excited at the news that Washington was playing Colorado, if only for all the obvious Super Bowl puns.
Also, in February, there is the “Hey, our country is better than yours because this one person here can do something incredibly pointless and stupid but 0.0000000000001 seconds faster than your person can” events, otherwise known as, “The Olympics.” I know everyone gets really excited by this, but again, if your country is putting more money into watching people do stupid shit, for no reason, while ANYONE in your country is starving, your country is kind of a dick and you’re a dick by association for even caring about it. Oh and if you don’t think it’s fucking stupid, then just Google “biathlon” and then try and convince yourself that the people who thought of these events are actually using all their brain cells. It’s important to note that a biathlon is NOT a triathlon for lazy people, but rather, Dick Cheney hunting on skis.
Finally, in June, there is the World Statue (I refuse to call it World Cup, since the trophy isn’t even a cup, but rather a statue… that’s right, sports are dumb) which means that while this nonsense is going on, no one will get anything done because your bandwidth at work will be sucked dry by people watching this shit. In addition, women everywhere will also be sexually dissatisfied for that period of time, becausemen actually prefer sports to sex… er… I should say more sexually dissatisfied than usual, that is.
(“Wait, you mean I can’t compete in the Olympics just because I hosted them?”)
2. A New Belt
I know this doesn’t seem very exciting, but hear me out and then tell me you wouldn’t be excited by this too. Belts, to me, are completely utilitarian and nothing more—they’re simply for holding my pants up. I’m the type of person who almost never tucks my shirt into my pants, so I couldn’t give two shits what my belt looks like, as long as it’s functional. I own exactly two belts, one for “everyday” use and one “nice one” for weddings, funerals, or whatever other reason I’m required to wear a suit.
My everyday belt has been slowly deteriorating over the past year, but it still does its job properly. I mean, this thing has seen better days, yet I simply can’t justify buying a new one when it is still fully functional. However, I’m predicting that this year will be the year that I go to put it on in the morning and it will break, thereby crossing over into the realm of completely useless and thus justifiably replaceable. Invariably, I will just take out my “nice one” to use for the day, thinking to myself that I will buy a new “everyday” belt later that day, but in reality just end up wearing the “nice one” until someone dies or gets married and I discover that I have to rush out to get my suit pressed and buy a new “nice belt” since my “nice belt” has magically become, over the years, my everyday belt.
Okay, fine, admittedly it’s not very exciting, but this article is called “Five Things I’MLooking Forward to in 2014,” not “Five Things YOU’RE Looking Forward to in 2014” and I, for one, am looking forward to a new belt… er… well…I mean, wearing my “nice belt” every day.
(I forgot, I actually do have another everyday belt.)
3. TV Shows / Movies
Game of Thrones
Seriously, what’s up with this “ten episodes a season” horseshit? Yeah, okay fine, each episode probably has as much work and money put into it as a feature film, but if you’re a fan of this show then getting only ten episodes a season makes you want to “Dracarys” someone, am I right?
The Walking Dead
By far, the thing I’m looking forward to most about this show is Carl getting a bullet in the face… eaten by zombies… anything! I mean, it has to happen eventually, right? RIGHT?! SERIOUSLY, CAN SOMEONE JUST OFF THAT LITTLE FUCKER ALREADY?! Eventually he’s going to be the oldest looking 12-year-old on the zombie apocalyptic planet and the show creators will just have to kill him for story timeline believability and I can’t wait.
Honestly, this show has jumped the shark, but I’m already pot committed at this point and just looking forward to it finally being over.
The Hobbit: There and Back Again
I mean, it’s The Hobbit, come on, enough said. No seriously, enough said, if you don’t get it from that, you just don’t get it.
Hunger Games: Mockingjay-Part One
Okay, first off, fuck you for your cliffhanger in the last movie and another fuck you for jumping on the “splitting the final movie into two parts Harry Potter/Twilighthorseshit” bandwagon. That said, I look forward to anything with Jennifer Lawrence in it, if only to hear more of her publicity interview quotes.
4. Video Games
I’ve taken a break from video games in the last several years, mostly because I have a real hard time justifying paying a small fortune for a gaming console, let alone each individual game. I mean, did you read the part about the belt? I can’t very well go around claiming to be somewhat practical and then drop half a grand on what is basically just sitting on your ass for days on end (a whole other issue).
Seriously, ever since they started showing you just how much time you logged on a game, it’s been difficult for me to pick up a controller. I mean, I Y2K’d the clock on some of those Final Fantasy games, freezing it at 99+ hours played and left to forever wonder just how many MORE hours were added onto that amount. Thanks, Square Enix, but I really didn’t need to know that I spent more than 4 days of my life just playing one video game.
As such, I never purchased the PS3 when it came out, but secretly (okay, not so secretly, but rather loudly and publicly) pined for one all along. With the recent release of the PS4 and the significant price reduction of the PS3 (and all of the games I’ve since missed out on) I eventually broke down and bought a PS3 for Christmas. I think I have already logged 99+ hours on Grand Theft Auto V alone.
(Foreshadowing? Well played, Rockstar, well played indeed.)
You might remember that in the end of last year’s New Year article, I was talking about getting chickens, after my distant neighbor gave me his backyard chicken coop. Of course, when I say “gave me” what I really mean is that he told me he was giving it to me on the one condition that if he ever moved back from Montana he would eventually want it back, but would certainly give me more than enough time to build my own coop so that my chickens wouldn’t be homeless in the interim.
Apparently though, that also meant that if he randomly shows up with a moving truck, to move all of his stuff out of his parent’s house to Montana, that he would then also want the chicken coop back. The other option, of course, was that I could pay him $150 for the money and time he put into building the coop from scratch. Needless to say, I wasn’t about to evict my chickens from their coop just before winter, and because I still think he is genuinely a nice guy, albeit a little flighty, I agreed to pay him $100 instead of the other option which was just telling him to go fuck himself for amending his original condition.
Anyway, I still have those chickens, which I adore for their quirky personalities and also the daily fresh eggs they produce (over produce, really, since I can barely keep up with them even after giving some away to other neighbors) but I must say that winter, with chickens, is kind of an unforgiving bitch. Gone are the days of simply looking out the window and saying, “Cool, it snowed, I’m going back to bed.” Gone are the days of it dipping below freezing and my greatest concern being just waiting for the car to defrost before driving. No, now it’s having to supply unfrozen water to a bunch of chickens every morning and rubbing Vaseline on their combs every night so they don’t get frost bite. It’s also the days of weighing the advantages of heat lamps and heated waterers against the very real possibility of a heat lamp/heated waterer induced coop fire. I’ve never been one of those “I hate winter and can’t wait for spring” type of people, but I’m now guessing that all of those people have chickens.
(It’s so plucking cold outside right now, I saw a chicken with a capon!)
So there you have it, some of the things that I’m looking forward to in 2014. Happy New Year everyone! What are some of the things you are looking forward to this year?