Okay you all know it has to be said, so just let me say it and we can move on… there is such a thing as too Fast and Furious.
Why is the Google home page image a picture of a vagina every time I go there?
I feel like there is something I am supposed to remember today, but for the life of me I can’t figure out what it is.
Top 5 Sexiest Female Ghosts
It’s scary how hot these women are.
Nothing says Happy Halloween like ethereal women who haunt your mind with nothing more than their appearance. Halloween is a special time of year that causes people to behave and act in ways that are seemingly out of character and other worldly. Or are they?
Women dress like trashy whores. Men dress like…well, basically anything that will remotely pass as a costume so that they can attend the parties where women are dressed like trashy whores. Let’s be honest here, the only reason an adult male, who can buy as much candy as he wants, would dress up in a cheesy costume on Halloween is so that he can attend the only party of the year where women seem to lose all of their inhibitions and dress as sexy as humanly possible. Am I right? Yeah, I know these comments may seem a little out of character for me, but the great thing about Halloween is that you can pretty much get away with anything and be whatever you want.
It’s Kate Beckinsale, and apparently no one can resist a naked Kate Beckinsale, not even her own brothers.So in honor of Halloween, I’m going to step out of character a bit and resurrect my role as a superficial male chauvinist pig. Hey, don’t judge my costume and I won’t call you a trashy, slutty whore for dressing like one! Let’s just try and appreciate each other’s costumes in all their extreme glory. Besides, for this article, I’ll try to be as transparent with my opinions as humanly possible. Agreed? Good. Moving on.
It’s not a big surprise that a man would get turned on by the idea of a woman wanting nothing more than to spend eternity moaning and wailing in his presence, but throw in the notion that she might occasionally appear in chains and it really doesn’t matter how vapid she turns out. So regardless whether it’s a woman who could probably be classified as way too clingy or not, one thing’s for certain: men love female ghosts. In past years I brought you the Top 5 Sexiest Female Vampires, the Top 5 Sexiest Female Werewolves, the Top 5 Sexiest Witches/Covens and theTop 5 Sexiest Female Zombies, so naturally, this year for Halloween I present to you the Top 5 Sexiest Female Ghosts, granted their title for no other reason than sheer hotness, regardless of how much their movie or show was devoid of substance.
5. Alyson Hannigan as Willow Rosenberg in Buffy the Vampire Slayer - Halloween (1997)
(Ghost Willow is proof that gingers do, in fact, have souls.)
I think it’s fairly safe to say that if you’ve watched this show more than once, then you’re most likely a giant nerd. Hey, I’m not judging, I watched every episode of both Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel, so you’re in good company. I can easily say that my fondest memories of both shows were whenever the uber-nerd girls had something supernatural happen to them that also seemed to coincide with them dressing like sexpots.
In this case, it was the Scooby Gang buying costumes from an enchanted costume shop that caused the wearers of the costume to become whatever they were dressed up as. Willow bought a ghost costume, but Buffy persuaded Willow to wear a black miniskirt and long-sleeved crop top instead. Willow, being Willow, chickens out and wears the ghost sheet over top the sexy little outfit, but when the enchantment takes effect she becomes a real ghost wearing just the sexy little outfit. I’m still not exactly sure what Willow was supposed to be in the miniskirt, but quite honestly, I don’t care. She looked hot… sexy nerd, geek hot and Alyson Hannigan would never be seen the same again.
I like to think that it was this episode that catapulted her into her other major “nerd gone sexy” role that changed the way people looked at band camp forever. With that one little outfit she made nerds everywhere stop and give their female calculus partners a second look… and a third look… and a fourth look, because geeks have a tendency to stare and creep people out when they’re horny, which is pretty much all the time since they aren’t getting any. She also gave a whole new meaning to the phrase “school spirit.” As time went by, Willow later went on to become hotter and hotter, transitioning from her original nerdy ubergeek, to eventually become the epitome of a super sexy, Wiccan, lesbian, college girl.
Alyson Hannigan, I’ll happily be your bitch as long as you keep wearing those choker necklaces. (Oh yeah, in case you didn’t know, I have a thing for women in choker necklaces. This one time, at band camp…)
4. Sarah Shahi as Constance Welch in Supernatural - Pilot (2005)
(Technically, Constance also cheated when it came to trying to kill Sam.)
So I hate to have to bring back these two douchebags, or is it three? I’m still not sure if the car counts as a character in this show or not. However, it seems their show does have its share of supernatural hotties, so I was once again forced to watch an episode of Supernatural. In the pilot, which ironically focuses on the events surrounding Halloween, they introduce these two overly emotional jackwad brothers and they run off to find their dad who is “hunting” something that “can never go home.” As it turns out, that “something” is a “woman in white” who is actually something of a supernatural hottie; more specifically, a ghost who kills horny men she picks up on the road. Talk about your dead end street, am I right? I guess at least we know why the horny man crossed the road (to get to the sexy woman on the other side).
The woman is Constance Welch and she was cheated on by her husband, then drowned her two children in a bathtub before taking her own life. These events turned her into a spirit called a “woman in white” or a “weeping woman” who then roams around finding, seducing and killing unfaithful men, which, let’s face it, is just mean spirited. Basically, it’s supernatural entrapment, because I’m not completely sure these men would be unfaithful if they weren’t being supernaturally seduced. In fact, Sam ends up proving this by resisting her and telling her that he’s never been unfaithful, but she grinds on him and tries to kill him anyway. So what have we learned from this smokin’ hot ghost woman? In short, if you ever get accosted by a sexy female ghost, in white, who wants to fuck you, then you should just totally take the freebie, because you’re going to die anyway.
Sarah Shahi, you can count on me to take you any way you want me to.
3. Malese Jow as Annabelle (a.k.a.Anna) in The Vampire Diaries (2011)
(Nothing is hotter than a self-proclaimed sucker (cough) for guys who are lost.)
Honestly, if I had to pick any of these women to haunt me for all eternity it would probably be Anna, but I have to be realistic and acknowledge that I have an extreme bias towards cute/sexy, sassy, half-Asian women with an alternative flair, that probably not everyone shares. It also doesn’t help that Anna is technically a vampire ghost, which is just extra smokin’ hot in my book. Everything about this character is appealing, from her highly intelligent book smarts to her playful kickass attitude that makes you feel like she’d be right at home just hanging with the guys and then actually going home and fucking your brains out. Anna does a fabulous job of walking that line between cute and sexy that I believe every guy secretly craves. On the one hand, she’s totally hot with her dark penetrating eyes and her brooding demeanor, but on the other hand, she’s adorable and sweet, someone you could bring home to mom.
Speaking of moms, did I mention that, Pearl, Anna’s mom in this show, is played by quintessential hottie Kelly Hu and also later becomes a ghost as well? Throughout Anna’s time on the show her main drive is actually to reunite with her mother, so in the end the two of them are rarely far apart. Jesus Christ, if I lived in Mystic Falls, I’d be buying every Ouija board on the planet just on the off chance that these two might show up, let alone any of the other sexy ghosts this show has. Sure, maybe that seems a little over the top to some of you, but I consider it more of a happy medium. I just have one thing to say and that’s, “Fuck you, Johnathan Gilbert, you single-handedly killed two of the hottest vampires in town!” Fortunately for the rest of us, women that sexy have an uncanny way of haunting our thoughts forever.
Malese Jow, not for nothing, but just like Jeremy Gilbert, I miss my weekly dose of cute stalker chick too. Oh and if you’re into stalking, I can make it so you’ll never be alone again.
2. Kate Beckinsale as Christina Mariell in Haunted(1995)
(This ghost is off the chain, but now that I think about it, she’d be pretty hot in chains too.)
This is actually the second time Kate Beckinsale has made the number two spot in one of my Halloween articles, which makes sense I suppose given she’s quite adept at being just a little behind. Okay, that’s not fair, it wasn’t just her fine ass that landed her a spot as one of the Top 5 Sexiest Female Ghosts, I mean, have you seen her front?! Well if you haven’t then you should really watch this movie, because she spends a great deal of it naked.
The movie takes place in the late 20’s in England where David Ash, an American skeptical parapsychologist, gets invited to investigate some alleged haunting at a mansion. Upon arrival he meets Christina Mariell, who promises to keep him entertained while he investigates her nanny’s claims of the house being haunted by Christina’s deceased mother. While exploring the house he discovers a painting of Christina topless, hanging just outside one of the rooms. Inside the room he finds Robert, one of Christina’s two brothers, painting another picture of her naked. In fact, the whole room is littered with pictures of Christina naked, all painted by her older brother. Then later, when Christina and her younger brother, Simon, start skinny dipping and playing around, it becomes increasingly clear that something incestuous is going on between Christina and her two brothers. Of course incest and all the other strange goings on in the house don’t stop David from pursuing Christina, because… well… because it’s Kate Beckinsale, and apparently no one can resist a naked Kate Beckinsale, not even her own brothers.
In the end, after having sex with her, it’s revealed to David that Christina and her brothers are actually ghosts and that David and Nanny are the only two living beings in the house… until they kill Nanny that is. It’s all very convoluted, but the important thing to focus on here is that Kate Beckinsale is naked for most of the movie and when she isn’t, she’s dressed up in various costumes including equestrian riding gear and flapper attire, or should I say fapper attire. One thing’s for certain, Christina Mariell certainly has the ability to raise your spirits, among other things.
Kate Beckinsale, you can scream and moan under my bed sheets any time you like.
1. Alexandra Breckenridge as Moira O’Hara in American Horror Story (2011)
(Wait, why are women so concerned with becoming old maids again?)
It’s extremely difficult for me to think of a more seductive character than the ghost of Moira O’Hara, played by Alexandra Breckenridge, from the first season ofAmerican Horror Story. The show follows the story of the Harmon family, who moves into a haunted house affectionately named “Murder House” by the locals, because everyone who has ever lived there dies. Moira is the housekeeper of Murder House and she impresses the new owners with her knowledge of how to maintain the house enough that she is permitted to continue in her position. Frankly, this doesn’t come as a big surprise to me, because I have no doubt that she would be amazing in any number of positions.
It’s important to note that Moira appears to most women as a professional and sensible elderly woman, with only one functioning eye, which no one would ever describe as sexy. However, to the men of the house she appears as sex personified, dressed in a low-cut maid uniform, complete with short skirt, garter belt, and stockings. According to Moira, this is because women’s intuition gives them insight into the true nature of people, whereas men see only what they desire. Having been shot by the jealous wife of a man who was trying to rape her, Moira came to despise men as liars and cheaters and also to sympathize with women who have been cheated on. As such she is constantly trying to seduce and manipulate men into compromising situations to expose their true nature, which if you ask me isn’t very sympathetic to women at all. Jeez, what is it with these sexy female ghosts and their twisted idea of sexual entrapment anyway?
To say that Alexandra Breckenridge was maid for this role is the understatement of the year, because she delivers a mouth watering, jaw dropping, sultry performance which is dirty enough to keep her character employed for all eternity. This maid not only does windows, she’ll do just about anything, let alone anyone, regardless of if they have a pulse or not. She drips sexuality with every single movement, every single look, every single word and will leave you begging for her ectoplasmic juices. Just don’t get in her way of trying to escape from the clutches of the haunted house, or you might find yourself dismembered… and I’m not talking about your arms and legs.
Alexandra Breckenridge, you can polish my knob any time you want and I won’t even make you clean up afterwards—just no teeth please.
So there you have it, the Top Five Sexiest Female Ghosts, brought to you by a superficial, male chauvinist pig (for a day). I would now like to exorcise my right to give a brief honorable mention to some drop dead gorgeous ghost women who didn’t make the final cut, but I would be gravely mistaken to leave forsaken.
Lia Beldam as Lorraine Massey (a.k.a. Young Woman in Bath) in The Shining(1980)
Sigourney Weaver as Zuul in Ghostbusters (1984)
Geena Davis and Patrice Martinez as Barbara Maitland and Miss Argentina (aka the Receptionist) in Beetlejuice (1988)
Daryl Hannah as Mary Plunkett in High Spirits (1988)
Shannen Doherty, Holly Marie Combs, Alyssa Milano and Rose McGowan as Prue Halliwell, Piper Halliwell, Phoebe Halliwell, Paige Matthews in Charmed(1998-2006)
Shawna Loyer as Dana Newman (a.k.a. The Angry Princess) in Thirteen Ghosts (2001)
Nicole Kidman as Grace Stewart in The Others (2001)
Nina Young and Kelly Macdonald as the Grey Lady in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (2001) and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2(2011)
Ellen Muth and Laura Harris as Georgia “George” Lass and Daisy Adair in Dead Like Me (2003-2004)
Reese Witherspoon as Elizabeth in Just Like Heaven (2005)
Oksana Borbat and Xeniya Fesenko as Lesbian Ghosts in Return to House on Haunted Hill (2007)
Eva Longoria as Kate in Over Her Dead Body (2008)
Charlotte Riley as Cathy Earnshaw in Wuthering Heights (2009)
Emma Stone as Allison Vandermeersh in Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (2009)
Kelly Hu, Lauren Cohan, Arielle Kebbel, Kayla Ewell, Katerina Graham & Claire Holt/Alice Evans as Zhen Zhu (Pearl), Rose-Marie, Alexia (Lexi) Branson, Victoria (Vicki) Donovan, Bonnie Bennett, Esther in The Vampire Diaries(2009- )
Kate Hudson as Marley Corbett in A Little Bit of Heaven (2011)
Meaghan Rath as Sally Malik in Being Human (2011- )
I’m sorry, ghost ladies, as haunting as your beauty may be, I had to make some of you disappear from the list in order to keep it under five. Besides, what’s the worst thing you could do to me, haunt me for all eternity? Call me crazy, but somehow the idea of sexy women being ever present doesn’t scare me in the least.
So to all the frightfully sexy, smoking hot, female ghosts out there, I say, “Hey boo, you’re welcome at my house, any day of the year!”
Happy Halloween everyone!
I’m not sure what the big deal is? I once had a dream that came true and it didn’t involve the Supreme Court, or fifty years of arguing.
I can’t be the only one who sees something about Duck Dynasty and always thinks it has something to do with Huey, Dewey and Louie, can I?
Hey Hey Hey Robin Thicke, I don’t want to blur any lines, but if you have to tell someone, “I know you want it” you’re probably a rapist.
Some people removed their cranial suppositories realizing humans deserve equal rights. So what the fuck is wrong with the rest of you again?
If you buy now, tickets are 5 for $1 or 25 for $5.” Statements like that make me want to stab you once in the eye, or twice in both eyes.
Oh man, I’m bummed that Yahoo bought Tumblr for $1.1 billion dollars. Teenagers with a sense of worth simply don’t write as good poetry.
Can we just rename Ohio to “Rapeland” and be done with it? Seriously, what the fuck is going on with that state lately?
Lindsay Lohan disappears after rehab check-in” demonstrating that rehab really can provide positive results.
You should know, you should know that uh Chris Kelly is not having anything today, because he’s totally krossed out.