Joan Rivers apparently stopped breathing and was rushed to the hospital… Seriously, how bad was THAT outfit?!
Joan Rivers apparently stopped breathing and was rushed to the hospital… Seriously, how bad was THAT outfit?!
Is it just me or does dumping ice water on someone, causing flailing and muttering incoherently, NOT the most sensitive way to raise awareness for ALS?
O’ Captain! My Captain!
Last week I wrote an article about how men are actually more emotional and hormonal than women, which honestly I found was a lot easier to make a case for than I initially thought. So this week, I thought I would challenge myself again and tackle another prevalent gender stereotype, just to keep things interesting and heated. One of the most commonly held beliefs in society when it comes to sex is that men are WAY MORE sexual than women, but again, since I like to twist things up and present them from an alternative perspective, let’s take a closer look at that claim, shall we?
Ask any man what the one thing he would like to change about his relationship is and invariably he will answer that he wished there was more sex involved. Clearly, this indicates that most males are seemingly sexually unsatisfied in their relationships. But contrast that to most women’s sexual satisfaction levels in relationships and it is not hard to argue which one is the more sexually dissatisfied gender. Hands down, surveys have always shown that women are overall less satisfied sexually in their relationships than men. Many claim that the distinction here is between quantity vs. quality, but maybe not.
(Seriously, you guys would rather be watching sports than doing this… er…. her?)
The biggest complaint from women when it comes to sex is that it is over too quickly, with not enough time spent on foreplay. This boggles my mind, because the amount of time men actually spend thinking about women, looking at women, or thinking about touching or having sex with women is staggering. So can somebody explain to me why so many women report that men are rushing through foreplay and sex like they’re trying to set a land speed record?? The only logical conclusion I can come to is that these men would rather be doing something else with their time than engaging in ACTUAL foreplay and sex. Usually, that activity is watching sports, which just seems ridiculous and counterintuitive to me. Oh and guys, just to be clear, getting her drunk doesn’t actually count as foreplay.
Perhaps you have noticed that the whole entire world has lost their damn mind over the World Statue (I am officially changing the name from “World Cup” to “World Statue” since I recently found out that the trophy isn’t even a freakin’ cup, but a statue—how fucking dumb is that?!). Seriously, I can barely even use my computer at work these days because the bandwidth is being taken up by people watching the World Statue games, checking the World Statue scores, or discussing the World Statue online. You know what all you people could be doing instead of watching a bunch of men run around a field, playing a game that more than likely will end up in a tie? You could be having sex! I know this because it’s what all my female friends in relationships are complaining to me about these days.
(In this case I’m guessing gay porn is on, not sports.)
Yes, that’s right, the vast majority of my lady friends complain to me (especially lately) that their men are SO preoccupied with sports that they’re missing COUNTLESS opportunities to be having sex with them. We aren’t just talking about quality anymore here guys, we’re talking about actual QUANTITY, which is what all you guys are always complaining about. You could be having TONS more sex if you actually wanted to, but clearly you have chosen your priorities—and let me just tell you that, as a man, you have chosen your priorities ALL wrong. Why on earth you would rather be watching fucking sports as opposed to sport fucking is completely beyond me. I, for one, think you’re giving all of us men a bad name.
Amid all this World Statue insanity came an unbelievable news report stating that in many countries the players of the World Statue are actually required to abstain from sex while the tournament is going on (ahemEnglandahem). That’s right, apparently the players from certain countries are not allowed to see their girlfriends/wives regularly and are actually sequestered from them with only chaperoned, PG-rated, short visits allowed. It is feared that sexual relations during the tournament could both physically and mentally affect the player’s game performance. While this makes sense from a purely academic point of view, it makes NO SENSE WHATSOEVER to anyone who knows how awesome sex is compared to running around chasing a stupid ball with other guys. Why would any sane person choose a career where you would have to abide by such a heinous rule?
(The best way to distract a soccer player.)
In response to this unbelievable imposed abstinence, several studies were conducted to disprove the claim that having sex would affect player performance. One such study was done at McGill University in Montreal by a sports medicine expert named Ian Shrier. “Sex is mild exercise and does not fatigue the body,” Shrier said. “Hormonal spikes are controversial. And even if they did occur, it wouldn’t matter, because they have to affect performance through physical or psychological mechanisms. We know there are no physical effects. Sex has had no effect on strength, power or endurance.”
Not for nothing, Shrier, but if you think that sex has no effect on strength, power, endurance, or has no physical effects and does not fatigue the body, then let me be the first to tell you that CLEARLY YOU HAVE NEVER HAD SEX! Those of you who actually know how to have sex have experienced the shaky knees/leg syndrome, have been forced to take the elevator because taking the stairs makes it feel like someone is slicing through the tendons in your inner thighs, and have actually discovered new muscles in your body that you never knew existed the morning after. Congratulations, Ian Shrier, the only thing you have actually confirmed in your ridiculous study is that you are, at best, TERRIBLE at sex, and now the whole world is aware of it.
(Crash helmet optional but definitely recommended.)
"As for the fans, there is no evidence that sex will impair your tournament-watching experience, but many fanatics appear to be able to live without it. In a recent poll of German soccer fans, 95 percent said they’d rather watch their team play than join their partners in bed." Now THAT is a result I easily believe, because you can currently hear it echoed in the voices of women across the entire world. Clearly a priority has been established in the minds of men when it comes to sex and sports, and sex is the loser. However, from my point of view, I could easily argue that the men who choose sports over sex are the REAL losers here.
(Listen up men, you might actually like what you hear.)
If you are having trouble believing that women are more sexual than men, all you have to do is ask a woman about it. If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a million times, “Women LOVE to talk about sex!" Whether it’s the abstract idea of it in a flirty way, or an all-out raunchy conversation about all the stuff you all are NOT doing to/for them in order to get them off, women LOVE to have in-depth conversations about ALL aspects of sex. I have had conversations with women over casual work lunches where topics have included the best type of lubricants to use at various different stages of a woman’s cycle, the best type of vibrator and the best way to use it, the best position to hit the G-spot, the various ways a woman can achieve orgasm, and my personal favorite, how women wish men spent MORE TIME on sex and less time on sports. The number one topic women talk about is the personal, intimate details of their relationships. You know what the number one topic men most often talk about? That’s right, sports, with work coming in a close second! The closest a guy usually comes to having an in-depth conversation about sex is commenting on whether or not he would “do” a woman who happens to pass by.
Furthermore, a recent study confirmed what basically every woman on the planet will tell you in a heartbeat: that men who put a little bit of effort and thought into pursuing sexual relations with a woman actually end up having more sex than those who don’t. I admit that this is NOT a real brainchild idea, but the fact that this needs to be pointed out to men is quite telling as far as how much men are REALLY interested in sex. For instance, men who put a minimal amount of energy towards romance end up having sex far more frequently than those who let the romance die in their relationship.
(I bet that stupid little romantic gesture doesn’t seem so stupid anymore!)
Now, I’m not talking about wisking her away to Italy regularly or some dramatic overture that a lot of men aren’t capable of financially. I’m talking about ridiculous, stupid little things like leaving a cute, one sentence note (NOT A TEXT) where she can find it during the day, or simply calling her for NO OTHER REASON than to just tell her you were thinking about her and wanted to let her know. The fact that SO many men are unwilling to do these silly little romantic gestures, or in many cases actually resent doing them, speaks VOLUMES as to just how sexual they really are. Are you guys actually trying to tell me that writing a stupid little note, that invariably will lead to sex that night, is some kind of a major fucking hoop to jump through or something? Maybe you don’t want it as much as you claim you do.
In addition, for you married men out there, it was also shown that men who contribute more around the house are having WAY MORE sex than men who aren’t contributing. The simple fact of the matter is that shit needs to get done to keep things running smoothly in a household and that takes an amazing amount of physical and mental energy. Plus, a great deal more women are in the workforce than before, yet they are still shouldering the vast majority of domestic tasks compared to men. If the vast majority of the household workload falls on the woman (while the man is invariably watching hours of sports while doing nothing) then the woman has that much less time and energy to engage in sexual activity later. It isn’t rocket science guys, the more mental and physical stamina a woman has, the more mental and physical stamina there is to be spent elsewhere.
(Clean up your act if you want her to get down and dirty.)
It has been shown in these studies that these over-worked women often only require a “minimal amount” of help around the house to dramatically increase the amount of sex in a relationship. Simple acts, like “asking” to fold a single load of laundry, which could be done WHILE watching the game, is all that is actually required. Basically, what this tells you is that men are actually choosing to NOT have sex to get out of folding laundry or unloading the dishwasher. Ever notice how the words, “I want to vacuum” looks identical to “I want to fuck you” when mouthed without sound? Go ahead and check in the mirror if you don’t believe me, but I don’t think it’s a coincidence. Let me make this really easy for you guys: try doing what you think is one of her jobs regularly and you may find that one of those “jobs”you want done might actually happen regularly as well.
(Honestly though, it’s difficult to determine who the real winner is here.)
So women want sex to last longer, and they want to talk about it more and are willing to actually put a little effort into making it happen, which men are resistant to do. So exactly who is REALLY the more sexual gender of the two? Well, I would easily argue that women own that title 100%! In the end, guys, actions always speak louder than words, and the inactivity of men in general to show basic interest in pursuing sexual relations with women is pretty demonstrative of just who is the more sexual gender. Personally, there is little else I would rather be doing with my time than having sex or talking about sex, which is precisely why I don’t even bother watching sports. There is ALWAYS something or “someone” better to…um…do, rather than watching sports!
Dammit I’m Mad, I keep writing the date backwards this week!
Not for nothing, but today would be a great day for Aliens to impregnate every woman on the planet. Joke’s on you ladies!
I thought I’d delay this year’s New Year article so as to allow all that “New Year, New Me” horseshit to wear off. By now, hopefully, you’re back to doing things like reading Points in Case instead of studying or working, and feeling like your old self again. Besides, let’s face it, no one wants a new you anyway—the people who genuinely like you already liked the old you, and the people who hated the old you just want you to genuinely fuck off… not come back all reinvented and even more annoying.
So with that, since I’ve done these in the past, here are some of the things I’m looking forward to in 2014, otherwise known as “The International Year of Family Farming, Crystallography and Small Island Developing States.” Not for nothing, but I’m guessing that the person who names the years probably lives in Washington or Colorado state, near one of the new dispensaries. Just sayin’.
1. Mocking Sports
The thing I’m looking forward to most about The Walking Dead is Carl getting a bullet in the face… eaten by zombies… anything!2014 is supposed to be a big year in the world of “let’s pay people obscene and insulting amounts of money to do stupid shit, while others are starving and homeless,” otherwise known as, “sports.” There’s the Super Bowl, in the beginning of February, and this year the Seahawks are playing, which means that apparently I’m supposed to give a shit, because I’m from Washington…and yet, I still don’t give a shit. I will, however, have great fun mocking all the tools who actually do give a shit and, more specifically, try to force me to talk about it regardless of my obvious “fuck off, I don’t give a rat’s ass” response to their repeated attempts. As a comedian though, I will admit to being initially excited at the news that Washington was playing Colorado, if only for all the obvious Super Bowl puns.
Also, in February, there is the “Hey, our country is better than yours because this one person here can do something incredibly pointless and stupid but 0.0000000000001 seconds faster than your person can” events, otherwise known as, “The Olympics.” I know everyone gets really excited by this, but again, if your country is putting more money into watching people do stupid shit, for no reason, while ANYONE in your country is starving, your country is kind of a dick and you’re a dick by association for even caring about it. Oh and if you don’t think it’s fucking stupid, then just Google “biathlon” and then try and convince yourself that the people who thought of these events are actually using all their brain cells. It’s important to note that a biathlon is NOT a triathlon for lazy people, but rather, Dick Cheney hunting on skis.
Finally, in June, there is the World Statue (I refuse to call it World Cup, since the trophy isn’t even a cup, but rather a statue… that’s right, sports are dumb) which means that while this nonsense is going on, no one will get anything done because your bandwidth at work will be sucked dry by people watching this shit. In addition, women everywhere will also be sexually dissatisfied for that period of time, becausemen actually prefer sports to sex… er… I should say more sexually dissatisfied than usual, that is.
(“Wait, you mean I can’t compete in the Olympics just because I hosted them?”)
2. A New Belt
I know this doesn’t seem very exciting, but hear me out and then tell me you wouldn’t be excited by this too. Belts, to me, are completely utilitarian and nothing more—they’re simply for holding my pants up. I’m the type of person who almost never tucks my shirt into my pants, so I couldn’t give two shits what my belt looks like, as long as it’s functional. I own exactly two belts, one for “everyday” use and one “nice one” for weddings, funerals, or whatever other reason I’m required to wear a suit.
My everyday belt has been slowly deteriorating over the past year, but it still does its job properly. I mean, this thing has seen better days, yet I simply can’t justify buying a new one when it is still fully functional. However, I’m predicting that this year will be the year that I go to put it on in the morning and it will break, thereby crossing over into the realm of completely useless and thus justifiably replaceable. Invariably, I will just take out my “nice one” to use for the day, thinking to myself that I will buy a new “everyday” belt later that day, but in reality just end up wearing the “nice one” until someone dies or gets married and I discover that I have to rush out to get my suit pressed and buy a new “nice belt” since my “nice belt” has magically become, over the years, my everyday belt.
Okay, fine, admittedly it’s not very exciting, but this article is called “Five Things I’MLooking Forward to in 2014,” not “Five Things YOU’RE Looking Forward to in 2014” and I, for one, am looking forward to a new belt… er… well…I mean, wearing my “nice belt” every day.
(I forgot, I actually do have another everyday belt.)
3. TV Shows / Movies
Game of Thrones
Seriously, what’s up with this “ten episodes a season” horseshit? Yeah, okay fine, each episode probably has as much work and money put into it as a feature film, but if you’re a fan of this show then getting only ten episodes a season makes you want to “Dracarys” someone, am I right?
The Walking Dead
By far, the thing I’m looking forward to most about this show is Carl getting a bullet in the face… eaten by zombies… anything! I mean, it has to happen eventually, right? RIGHT?! SERIOUSLY, CAN SOMEONE JUST OFF THAT LITTLE FUCKER ALREADY?! Eventually he’s going to be the oldest looking 12-year-old on the zombie apocalyptic planet and the show creators will just have to kill him for story timeline believability and I can’t wait.
Honestly, this show has jumped the shark, but I’m already pot committed at this point and just looking forward to it finally being over.
The Hobbit: There and Back Again
I mean, it’s The Hobbit, come on, enough said. No seriously, enough said, if you don’t get it from that, you just don’t get it.
Hunger Games: Mockingjay-Part One
Okay, first off, fuck you for your cliffhanger in the last movie and another fuck you for jumping on the “splitting the final movie into two parts Harry Potter/Twilighthorseshit” bandwagon. That said, I look forward to anything with Jennifer Lawrence in it, if only to hear more of her publicity interview quotes.
4. Video Games
I’ve taken a break from video games in the last several years, mostly because I have a real hard time justifying paying a small fortune for a gaming console, let alone each individual game. I mean, did you read the part about the belt? I can’t very well go around claiming to be somewhat practical and then drop half a grand on what is basically just sitting on your ass for days on end (a whole other issue).
Seriously, ever since they started showing you just how much time you logged on a game, it’s been difficult for me to pick up a controller. I mean, I Y2K’d the clock on some of those Final Fantasy games, freezing it at 99+ hours played and left to forever wonder just how many MORE hours were added onto that amount. Thanks, Square Enix, but I really didn’t need to know that I spent more than 4 days of my life just playing one video game.
As such, I never purchased the PS3 when it came out, but secretly (okay, not so secretly, but rather loudly and publicly) pined for one all along. With the recent release of the PS4 and the significant price reduction of the PS3 (and all of the games I’ve since missed out on) I eventually broke down and bought a PS3 for Christmas. I think I have already logged 99+ hours on Grand Theft Auto V alone.
(Foreshadowing? Well played, Rockstar, well played indeed.)
You might remember that in the end of last year’s New Year article, I was talking about getting chickens, after my distant neighbor gave me his backyard chicken coop. Of course, when I say “gave me” what I really mean is that he told me he was giving it to me on the one condition that if he ever moved back from Montana he would eventually want it back, but would certainly give me more than enough time to build my own coop so that my chickens wouldn’t be homeless in the interim.
Apparently though, that also meant that if he randomly shows up with a moving truck, to move all of his stuff out of his parent’s house to Montana, that he would then also want the chicken coop back. The other option, of course, was that I could pay him $150 for the money and time he put into building the coop from scratch. Needless to say, I wasn’t about to evict my chickens from their coop just before winter, and because I still think he is genuinely a nice guy, albeit a little flighty, I agreed to pay him $100 instead of the other option which was just telling him to go fuck himself for amending his original condition.
Anyway, I still have those chickens, which I adore for their quirky personalities and also the daily fresh eggs they produce (over produce, really, since I can barely keep up with them even after giving some away to other neighbors) but I must say that winter, with chickens, is kind of an unforgiving bitch. Gone are the days of simply looking out the window and saying, “Cool, it snowed, I’m going back to bed.” Gone are the days of it dipping below freezing and my greatest concern being just waiting for the car to defrost before driving. No, now it’s having to supply unfrozen water to a bunch of chickens every morning and rubbing Vaseline on their combs every night so they don’t get frost bite. It’s also the days of weighing the advantages of heat lamps and heated waterers against the very real possibility of a heat lamp/heated waterer induced coop fire. I’ve never been one of those “I hate winter and can’t wait for spring” type of people, but I’m now guessing that all of those people have chickens.
(It’s so plucking cold outside right now, I saw a chicken with a capon!)
So there you have it, some of the things that I’m looking forward to in 2014. Happy New Year everyone! What are some of the things you are looking forward to this year?
'Tis the season again for being bombarded with really weird Christmas songs that we all sing along to, but haven't really given the underlying message a second thought. So you know what that means, it's time for overanalyzing another Christmas song that you can NEVER EVER hear again without your mind going to a very dark place.
In the past, I’ve tackled “The Little Drummer Boy" (I get the sense that little guy is tackled more than a Vatican City altar boy) and the ultra rapey, “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.” This year, I thought we’d analyze the overly-sexualized and materialistic hookerish song “Santa Baby,” written in 1953 by Joan Javits and Philip Springer.
It’s important to note that this song was originally sung by Eartha Kitt, but then Madonna found a way to make it even more creepy and disturbing by doing it in a little girl Betty Boop voice. So basically, what we’ve got here is someone with a little girl voice singing to what can only (in reality) be her dad, dressed up as Santa—or in other words, “EWWWW!”
(Yup, that’s Santa quite literally offering Madonna his balls.)
Santa baby, slip a sable under the tree, for me,
I’ve been an awful good girl.
Few people actually realize that a sable is a fur, which if you consider it a euphemism, it means she wants him to slip it into her furry area, under the tree. In addition, the whole creepy “Dear Daddy, little girl” vibe is established immediately.
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight.
I mean, this article almost writes itself. A chimney… a dark, tight, warm opening that he slips in and out of, in order to deliver his package.
Santa baby, an outer-space convertible too, light blue,
I’ll wait up for you dear.
It’s fairly clear that this song is about whoring yourself out for material items, which in and of itself is disturbing, but I’m even more disturbed by the inflation over the last sixty years. Apparently, a ‘54 convertible isn’t even enough anymore, now the car has to be able to fly to outer-space!
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight.
Take it easy there, eager beaver, he has to figure out what the fuck an outer-space convertible is first.
Think of all the fun I’ve missed.
If by “fun” you mean dignity, then yes, I see your point.
Think of all the fellas that I haven’t kissed.
Am I the only one who gets the sense that she’s already been kissed by a lot of men?
Next year I could be oh so good,
Call me crazy, but I don’t think this girl will ever get off the naughty list.
If you’d check off my Christmas list.
Boo doo bee doo.
Okay, someone needs to tell her that baby talk is NOT sexy, unless you’re into fucking babies and if that’s the case, what the hell is wrong with you?!
Santa honey, I wanna yacht and really that’s
Not a lot.
Well maybe not next to a car that can go into outer-space, it’s not. Wait, no, it still is you materialistic bint.
I’ve been an angel all year,
Please note: Wearing Victoria’s Secret lingerie all year doesn’t make you an angel.
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight.
Calm your tits, his fucking sleigh doesn’t even go into outer-space, this car shit is gonna take some time.
Santa cutie, there’s one thing I really do need, the deed,
This line takes on a whole new meaning when you think of it as “doing the deed.” Yeah, we got it, you want to do the deed with Santa (otherwise known as your Dad).
To a platinum mine.
Wait, you want to fuck a platinum mine? Suddenly, fucking your dad is starting to seem less weird.
Santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight.
Jesus Christ, woman, do you have any idea how complicated an outer-space car really is to make? Have some fucking patience, would you?
Santa baby, and fill my stocking with a duplex, and checks
Sign your “X” on the line.
I’m assuming that “stocking” in this case means her cooka, which we all know she wants Santa to fill, but apparently she wants it with a duplex. Filling her stocking with a duplex is obviously a reference to double penetration, since a duplex is a place with two separate resident entrances. Also, in case you were at all confused at this point, of her whorish tendencies, she takes payment for services and even accepts checks… classy.
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight.
Seriously, you’ve waited all year, you can wait a little longer while he gets the logistics of lift and thrust worked out for both you and the car.
Come and trim my Christmas tree,
Fuck that noise, trim your own Christmas tree, or go and get it waxed or something.
With some decorations bought at Tiffany’s.
Does Tiffany’s even make clit rings?
I really do believe in you
Let’s see if you believe in me
Boo doo bee doo.
I’m not going to lie, I often find myself saying, “Is this bitch for real?! I suspect Santa would say the same thing. Also, again, just stop with the baby talk, it’s gross.”
Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, a ring
No, you mentioned the clit ring, to decorate your Christmas tree area.
I don’t mean on a phone.
Yes, we got it! For fuck’s sake! You want a clit ring from Tiffany’s to decorate your over-grown bush. Now shut the hell up about it.
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight
Come on, you had to know there were going to be some extra permits to file for an outer-space car.
Hurry down the chimney tonight.
I mean, those lines at the DMV are worse than the lines on Black Friday.
Hurry down the chimney tonight.
Don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll cum… eventually, but, for real, it will happen much faster if you stop the baby talk.
(We all know Madonna has father issues, but I didn’t know she had Father Christmas issues.)
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone! May you NEVER be able to listen to “Santa Baby” the same way again, which is my very special gift to all of you that you can’t return for something else, even if you wanted to.
Okay you all know it has to be said, so just let me say it and we can move on… there is such a thing as too Fast and Furious.
Why is the Google home page image a picture of a vagina every time I go there?
I feel like there is something I am supposed to remember today, but for the life of me I can’t figure out what it is.
Nothing says Happy Halloween like ethereal women who haunt your mind with nothing more than their appearance. Halloween is a special time of year that causes people to behave and act in ways that are seemingly out of character and other worldly. Or are they?
Women dress like trashy whores. Men dress like…well, basically anything that will remotely pass as a costume so that they can attend the parties where women are dressed like trashy whores. Let’s be honest here, the only reason an adult male, who can buy as much candy as he wants, would dress up in a cheesy costume on Halloween is so that he can attend the only party of the year where women seem to lose all of their inhibitions and dress as sexy as humanly possible. Am I right? Yeah, I know these comments may seem a little out of character for me, but the great thing about Halloween is that you can pretty much get away with anything and be whatever you want.
It’s Kate Beckinsale, and apparently no one can resist a naked Kate Beckinsale, not even her own brothers.So in honor of Halloween, I’m going to step out of character a bit and resurrect my role as a superficial male chauvinist pig. Hey, don’t judge my costume and I won’t call you a trashy, slutty whore for dressing like one! Let’s just try and appreciate each other’s costumes in all their extreme glory. Besides, for this article, I’ll try to be as transparent with my opinions as humanly possible. Agreed? Good. Moving on.
It’s not a big surprise that a man would get turned on by the idea of a woman wanting nothing more than to spend eternity moaning and wailing in his presence, but throw in the notion that she might occasionally appear in chains and it really doesn’t matter how vapid she turns out. So regardless whether it’s a woman who could probably be classified as way too clingy or not, one thing’s for certain: men love female ghosts. In past years I brought you the Top 5 Sexiest Female Vampires, the Top 5 Sexiest Female Werewolves, the Top 5 Sexiest Witches/Covens and theTop 5 Sexiest Female Zombies, so naturally, this year for Halloween I present to you the Top 5 Sexiest Female Ghosts, granted their title for no other reason than sheer hotness, regardless of how much their movie or show was devoid of substance.
5. Alyson Hannigan as Willow Rosenberg in Buffy the Vampire Slayer - Halloween (1997)
(Ghost Willow is proof that gingers do, in fact, have souls.)
I think it’s fairly safe to say that if you’ve watched this show more than once, then you’re most likely a giant nerd. Hey, I’m not judging, I watched every episode of both Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel, so you’re in good company. I can easily say that my fondest memories of both shows were whenever the uber-nerd girls had something supernatural happen to them that also seemed to coincide with them dressing like sexpots.
In this case, it was the Scooby Gang buying costumes from an enchanted costume shop that caused the wearers of the costume to become whatever they were dressed up as. Willow bought a ghost costume, but Buffy persuaded Willow to wear a black miniskirt and long-sleeved crop top instead. Willow, being Willow, chickens out and wears the ghost sheet over top the sexy little outfit, but when the enchantment takes effect she becomes a real ghost wearing just the sexy little outfit. I’m still not exactly sure what Willow was supposed to be in the miniskirt, but quite honestly, I don’t care. She looked hot… sexy nerd, geek hot and Alyson Hannigan would never be seen the same again.
I like to think that it was this episode that catapulted her into her other major “nerd gone sexy” role that changed the way people looked at band camp forever. With that one little outfit she made nerds everywhere stop and give their female calculus partners a second look… and a third look… and a fourth look, because geeks have a tendency to stare and creep people out when they’re horny, which is pretty much all the time since they aren’t getting any. She also gave a whole new meaning to the phrase “school spirit.” As time went by, Willow later went on to become hotter and hotter, transitioning from her original nerdy ubergeek, to eventually become the epitome of a super sexy, Wiccan, lesbian, college girl.
Alyson Hannigan, I’ll happily be your bitch as long as you keep wearing those choker necklaces. (Oh yeah, in case you didn’t know, I have a thing for women in choker necklaces. This one time, at band camp…)
4. Sarah Shahi as Constance Welch in Supernatural - Pilot (2005)
(Technically, Constance also cheated when it came to trying to kill Sam.)
So I hate to have to bring back these two douchebags, or is it three? I’m still not sure if the car counts as a character in this show or not. However, it seems their show does have its share of supernatural hotties, so I was once again forced to watch an episode of Supernatural. In the pilot, which ironically focuses on the events surrounding Halloween, they introduce these two overly emotional jackwad brothers and they run off to find their dad who is “hunting” something that “can never go home.” As it turns out, that “something” is a “woman in white” who is actually something of a supernatural hottie; more specifically, a ghost who kills horny men she picks up on the road. Talk about your dead end street, am I right? I guess at least we know why the horny man crossed the road (to get to the sexy woman on the other side).
The woman is Constance Welch and she was cheated on by her husband, then drowned her two children in a bathtub before taking her own life. These events turned her into a spirit called a “woman in white” or a “weeping woman” who then roams around finding, seducing and killing unfaithful men, which, let’s face it, is just mean spirited. Basically, it’s supernatural entrapment, because I’m not completely sure these men would be unfaithful if they weren’t being supernaturally seduced. In fact, Sam ends up proving this by resisting her and telling her that he’s never been unfaithful, but she grinds on him and tries to kill him anyway. So what have we learned from this smokin’ hot ghost woman? In short, if you ever get accosted by a sexy female ghost, in white, who wants to fuck you, then you should just totally take the freebie, because you’re going to die anyway.
Sarah Shahi, you can count on me to take you any way you want me to.
3. Malese Jow as Annabelle (a.k.a.Anna) in The Vampire Diaries (2011)
(Nothing is hotter than a self-proclaimed sucker (cough) for guys who are lost.)
Honestly, if I had to pick any of these women to haunt me for all eternity it would probably be Anna, but I have to be realistic and acknowledge that I have an extreme bias towards cute/sexy, sassy, half-Asian women with an alternative flair, that probably not everyone shares. It also doesn’t help that Anna is technically a vampire ghost, which is just extra smokin’ hot in my book. Everything about this character is appealing, from her highly intelligent book smarts to her playful kickass attitude that makes you feel like she’d be right at home just hanging with the guys and then actually going home and fucking your brains out. Anna does a fabulous job of walking that line between cute and sexy that I believe every guy secretly craves. On the one hand, she’s totally hot with her dark penetrating eyes and her brooding demeanor, but on the other hand, she’s adorable and sweet, someone you could bring home to mom.
Speaking of moms, did I mention that, Pearl, Anna’s mom in this show, is played by quintessential hottie Kelly Hu and also later becomes a ghost as well? Throughout Anna’s time on the show her main drive is actually to reunite with her mother, so in the end the two of them are rarely far apart. Jesus Christ, if I lived in Mystic Falls, I’d be buying every Ouija board on the planet just on the off chance that these two might show up, let alone any of the other sexy ghosts this show has. Sure, maybe that seems a little over the top to some of you, but I consider it more of a happy medium. I just have one thing to say and that’s, “Fuck you, Johnathan Gilbert, you single-handedly killed two of the hottest vampires in town!” Fortunately for the rest of us, women that sexy have an uncanny way of haunting our thoughts forever.
Malese Jow, not for nothing, but just like Jeremy Gilbert, I miss my weekly dose of cute stalker chick too. Oh and if you’re into stalking, I can make it so you’ll never be alone again.
2. Kate Beckinsale as Christina Mariell in Haunted(1995)
(This ghost is off the chain, but now that I think about it, she’d be pretty hot in chains too.)
This is actually the second time Kate Beckinsale has made the number two spot in one of my Halloween articles, which makes sense I suppose given she’s quite adept at being just a little behind. Okay, that’s not fair, it wasn’t just her fine ass that landed her a spot as one of the Top 5 Sexiest Female Ghosts, I mean, have you seen her front?! Well if you haven’t then you should really watch this movie, because she spends a great deal of it naked.
The movie takes place in the late 20’s in England where David Ash, an American skeptical parapsychologist, gets invited to investigate some alleged haunting at a mansion. Upon arrival he meets Christina Mariell, who promises to keep him entertained while he investigates her nanny’s claims of the house being haunted by Christina’s deceased mother. While exploring the house he discovers a painting of Christina topless, hanging just outside one of the rooms. Inside the room he finds Robert, one of Christina’s two brothers, painting another picture of her naked. In fact, the whole room is littered with pictures of Christina naked, all painted by her older brother. Then later, when Christina and her younger brother, Simon, start skinny dipping and playing around, it becomes increasingly clear that something incestuous is going on between Christina and her two brothers. Of course incest and all the other strange goings on in the house don’t stop David from pursuing Christina, because… well… because it’s Kate Beckinsale, and apparently no one can resist a naked Kate Beckinsale, not even her own brothers.
In the end, after having sex with her, it’s revealed to David that Christina and her brothers are actually ghosts and that David and Nanny are the only two living beings in the house… until they kill Nanny that is. It’s all very convoluted, but the important thing to focus on here is that Kate Beckinsale is naked for most of the movie and when she isn’t, she’s dressed up in various costumes including equestrian riding gear and flapper attire, or should I say fapper attire. One thing’s for certain, Christina Mariell certainly has the ability to raise your spirits, among other things.
Kate Beckinsale, you can scream and moan under my bed sheets any time you like.
1. Alexandra Breckenridge as Moira O’Hara in American Horror Story (2011)
(Wait, why are women so concerned with becoming old maids again?)
It’s extremely difficult for me to think of a more seductive character than the ghost of Moira O’Hara, played by Alexandra Breckenridge, from the first season ofAmerican Horror Story. The show follows the story of the Harmon family, who moves into a haunted house affectionately named “Murder House” by the locals, because everyone who has ever lived there dies. Moira is the housekeeper of Murder House and she impresses the new owners with her knowledge of how to maintain the house enough that she is permitted to continue in her position. Frankly, this doesn’t come as a big surprise to me, because I have no doubt that she would be amazing in any number of positions.
It’s important to note that Moira appears to most women as a professional and sensible elderly woman, with only one functioning eye, which no one would ever describe as sexy. However, to the men of the house she appears as sex personified, dressed in a low-cut maid uniform, complete with short skirt, garter belt, and stockings. According to Moira, this is because women’s intuition gives them insight into the true nature of people, whereas men see only what they desire. Having been shot by the jealous wife of a man who was trying to rape her, Moira came to despise men as liars and cheaters and also to sympathize with women who have been cheated on. As such she is constantly trying to seduce and manipulate men into compromising situations to expose their true nature, which if you ask me isn’t very sympathetic to women at all. Jeez, what is it with these sexy female ghosts and their twisted idea of sexual entrapment anyway?
To say that Alexandra Breckenridge was maid for this role is the understatement of the year, because she delivers a mouth watering, jaw dropping, sultry performance which is dirty enough to keep her character employed for all eternity. This maid not only does windows, she’ll do just about anything, let alone anyone, regardless of if they have a pulse or not. She drips sexuality with every single movement, every single look, every single word and will leave you begging for her ectoplasmic juices. Just don’t get in her way of trying to escape from the clutches of the haunted house, or you might find yourself dismembered… and I’m not talking about your arms and legs.
Alexandra Breckenridge, you can polish my knob any time you want and I won’t even make you clean up afterwards—just no teeth please.
So there you have it, the Top Five Sexiest Female Ghosts, brought to you by a superficial, male chauvinist pig (for a day). I would now like to exorcise my right to give a brief honorable mention to some drop dead gorgeous ghost women who didn’t make the final cut, but I would be gravely mistaken to leave forsaken.
Lia Beldam as Lorraine Massey (a.k.a. Young Woman in Bath) in The Shining(1980)
Sigourney Weaver as Zuul in Ghostbusters (1984)
Geena Davis and Patrice Martinez as Barbara Maitland and Miss Argentina (aka the Receptionist) in Beetlejuice (1988)
Daryl Hannah as Mary Plunkett in High Spirits (1988)
Shannen Doherty, Holly Marie Combs, Alyssa Milano and Rose McGowan as Prue Halliwell, Piper Halliwell, Phoebe Halliwell, Paige Matthews in Charmed(1998-2006)
Shawna Loyer as Dana Newman (a.k.a. The Angry Princess) in Thirteen Ghosts (2001)
Nicole Kidman as Grace Stewart in The Others (2001)
Nina Young and Kelly Macdonald as the Grey Lady in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (2001) and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2(2011)
Ellen Muth and Laura Harris as Georgia “George” Lass and Daisy Adair in Dead Like Me (2003-2004)
Reese Witherspoon as Elizabeth in Just Like Heaven (2005)
Oksana Borbat and Xeniya Fesenko as Lesbian Ghosts in Return to House on Haunted Hill (2007)
Eva Longoria as Kate in Over Her Dead Body (2008)
Charlotte Riley as Cathy Earnshaw in Wuthering Heights (2009)
Emma Stone as Allison Vandermeersh in Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (2009)
Kelly Hu, Lauren Cohan, Arielle Kebbel, Kayla Ewell, Katerina Graham & Claire Holt/Alice Evans as Zhen Zhu (Pearl), Rose-Marie, Alexia (Lexi) Branson, Victoria (Vicki) Donovan, Bonnie Bennett, Esther in The Vampire Diaries(2009- )
Kate Hudson as Marley Corbett in A Little Bit of Heaven (2011)
Meaghan Rath as Sally Malik in Being Human (2011- )
I’m sorry, ghost ladies, as haunting as your beauty may be, I had to make some of you disappear from the list in order to keep it under five. Besides, what’s the worst thing you could do to me, haunt me for all eternity? Call me crazy, but somehow the idea of sexy women being ever present doesn’t scare me in the least.
So to all the frightfully sexy, smoking hot, female ghosts out there, I say, “Hey boo, you’re welcome at my house, any day of the year!”
Happy Halloween everyone!
I’m not sure what the big deal is? I once had a dream that came true and it didn’t involve the Supreme Court, or fifty years of arguing.
I can’t be the only one who sees something about Duck Dynasty and always thinks it has something to do with Huey, Dewey and Louie, can I?